10 Steps to a Using a Bidet that Mimic Postpartum Sex

What is a Bidet?

Like several friends I know, when COVID-19 began to spread and toilet paper disappeared from the shelves, we purchased and installed a bidet. If you aren’t familiar, a bidet is meant to clean your bottom with a stream of water after using the restroom. There are several types of bidets: a stand-alone that looks like a toilet, a toilet seat attachment , a little sprayer (similar to the one on the kitchen sink) and a separate attachment that connects to your existing toilet and toilet seat with a dial. We opted for the last option since we’d never used one before and weren’t sure how it would work.

How to Install

Installation was pretty simple. You disconnect the water line and toilet seat, fit the bidet attachment onto the bolts and reinstall the water line and seat. It’s pretty much “plug and play.” Don’t worry, only clean water sprays – you aren’t getting pummeled with toilet water. Installing the bidet was the straightforward part, using it was, well… interesting.

The Experience

The first time I used the bidet I had a few expectations that were in no way met. I expected a gentle stream of water to tickle my bottom and bam, I’d be clean. The only part of this experience that met my expectation was the BAM part. The stream was more like a fire hose and that hose was pointed directly at my most sensitive parts. I had to experiment with angles and pressure until I found a comfortable and functional position and once I did, (eventually), it was just as I hoped for!

Wait, What Are We Talking About?

I may or may not have sent an explicit group text describing my experience in detail which resulted in a conversation about the phrases from bidet users that can also be applied to postpartum sex. We came up with the following list:

  1. Consume beverage of choice
  2. Laugh nervously
  3. Start slooooowwwwww
  4. Woman on top, no questions asked
  5. Low speed
  6. More beverage of choice
  7. Stop if it’s painful
  8. Experiment with positioning
  9. The first time is the most difficult
  10. Eventually it’ll feel like you’ve always had it this way

Give It A Go

So next time you can’t find toilet paper at the stores or maybe if you just want to spice things up a bit, get yourself a bidet and throw that bad-boy in your bathroom. It’ll be an experience you will likely group-text your friends about. Then come back here and tell us about its similarities to a postpartum romp.

Tara Rosenkranz
Tara is a mom of four and lives in Metairie with her husband, kids, dog, birds and turtle. When she's not at home with her circus, she's at work or taxiing children around the city. Her favorite holiday is Mardi Gras. Tara loves to read, drink KranzCoffee and eat Double Stuff Oreos.

1 COMMENT

  1. OMG! I spit out my coke. Seriously, good article with just the right amount of explanation, humor and jaw-drop.

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