11 Times My Kid Was Too Real

What can I say? My kid keeps it ?.

11 times my kid was

On Louisiana in the summer:
Kid: When it’s hot, the tears come out of your head.

On existence:
Kid: Mommy, are we real, or are we just characters?

On our trips to Whole Foods
Kid: Mommy, don’t take too long shopping.
Me: Too long?
Kid: Yes, only buy a couple of things. 1 or 2 things.

On anatomy:
Kid: Is a ‘pagina’ like a penis?

On cleaning up:
Kid: Mommy, I’m going to clean up my toys in a different order.
Me: Oh?
Kid: Yes, a different order. (Goes and moves a few toys around from one spot on the floor to another.) OK, mommy, can I watch TV now?
Me: Not until they’re where they belong.
Kid: But I put them in a different order! The new order is on the floor.

On my food order while playing restaurant:
Kid: Sir, what would you like?
Me: Um, how about a banana split?
Kid: We don’t have that.
Me: What do you have?
Kid: Nothing. This is a playground.

On why he can’t have screentime:
Me: You chose not to stay in bed. You know the consequences.
Kid: I don’t want those.

On his daddy’s birthday:
Kid: Why did Mommy buy donuts?
His daddy: It’s my birthday.
Kid: No, no, it’s not. You’re too old to have birthdays.

On the librarian overusing her fan:
Kid: If you leave your fan on, it’s going to die. Then it won’t work.
Librarian: Yes, that’s true if I left it on all the time, but I let it rest. It goes to sleep some so it won’t die.
Kid: It does not go to sleep. It does not have eyes. It is not alive.

On scheduling playdates:
Me: It’s time to go.
Him: I don’t want to.
Me: We’ll come back and play another time. I promise.
Him (Looking across the house): There’s a calendar. What day?

On babies:
Overheard while playing with his 9-month-old sister: Babies are interesting animals.

Oh yes, they are, and so are 4 year olds.


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