What Should Have Been {Life After Miscarriage}

I suffered a miscarriage in June of 2014. I have shared my story here and here. As my angel baby’s due date approaches, I have felt an increasing closeness to this child who I lost entirely too soon.

Today, I should be 38 weeks pregnant.

I should be folding freshly washed baby clothes and inhaling that sweet fragrance that comes with it.

I should be feeling my baby move and hiccup.

I should be picking out presents for Mark and Jack from their new sibling.

I should be putting the finishing touches on the nursery.

I should be exhausted from lack of sleep.

I should not be comfortable in a way that the current me envies because it means life is growing inside.

I should be making freezer meals to prepare for babies arrival.

I should be arranging childcare for my boys when George and I head to the hospital.

I should be in regular contact with my doula and have my birth plan written and printed.

I should have my hospital bag packed.

I should be wondering who you will look like and whether you will have hair or not.

I should be weeks away from meeting the child I prayed for and dreamed of.

Instead,

I am folding clean laundry for two very active little boys, complete with worn out knees and stained shirts.

I am trying to get all the snuggles out of my boys while they are still willing to give them.

I am donating old toys to charity to make room for new ones.

I am dreaming of what I want in my next nursery.

I am exhausted. because of those two toddlers.

I am on the floor for hours a day playing with my two rambunctious boys.

I am cooking homemade meals for my family of four.

I am weeks away from meeting the child I prayed for and dreamed of. It may be many, many weeks (no I am not pregnant), but it is still weeks and I know my family is certainly not complete. I can only hope that God will bless with me another child. Until then, I will remember how fortunate I am to have two healthy children.