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Things I Think While Attempting to Co-Sleep

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Things I Think While Attempting to Co-Sleep

I have decided that people who wax poetic about the joys of co-sleeping have magical unicorn children. Not a single child birthed from my womb cares to cooperate or knows how to behave in my bed. Even the 13-month-old twins think my bed is a kiddie fun house fit for jumping and avoiding sleep. We are not at Sector6, people. You make me tired. This is my bed. I want to sleep in it. The end.

I gave in to co-sleeping the other night and I’m not totally sure why. I think it was because I was having one of those proud mom days. After watching my four-year-old shave his head to raise money for the St. Baldrick’s Foundation, I was all, “aww, you were so sweet and generous and selfless today, I’ll do you a solid and bend the rules because you look super cute with your little buzz cut and gigantic eyeballs that look like Puss In Boots in that scene from Shrek.”

pib eyes

I was blindsided, I tell you. 

Here are the things that went through my head as I tossed, turned, and inevitably regretted my decision.

10PM

WHY ARE YOU STILL AWAKE?

Did he brush his teeth? It doesn’t smell like it.

Cuddle? I do not think that word means what you think it means.

I feel like I’m being watched.

Nobody move. He’s like a T-Rex. He’ll think you’re asleep as long as he doesn’t sense movement.

12AM

Thank goodness he’s finally asleep. That makes everyone but me.

Why is there a heel in my back?

Who’s snoring? There are four options: dog, dog, boy, husband. Yep, all of them.

1:30 AM

How do people do this? No, really. How?

My back hurts. I can’t use my heating pad because there’s a human one next to me and I might sweat to death. It’s frowned upon to lay on him, isn’t it?

2:45 AM

OW. I think I’m bleeding. Note to self, cut the kid’s toenail razors tomorrow.

I didn’t really need more than this sliver of the bed anyway. Thanks for thinking I’m that skinny.

B Sleep

4:30 AM

I’m cold.

How can this child sleep on top of the covers?

I feel like I’m in a sleeping bag with no zipper.

How do people do this?

6:45 AM

Oh good, the twins are awake.

So….When do I get to take a nap?

Kids, I love you. I do not love your feet in my face as I’m trying to sleep. Sharing a bed every night will never become a thing in our house. Here’s some money to cover the therapy for that.

Smooches, Mom.

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Lindsay
Lindsay is a native New Orleanian, displaced only by her years at Mississippi State, where she earned a B.S. in Wildlife and Fisheries and a minor in English. She came home shortly after Katrina, to work as a zookeeper and be a part of the rebuilding of her beloved city. She dragged her husband Drake, a Tennessee native, along with her. Their son Bennett joined the family in 2010, and in 2014 they welcomed identical twin girls, Genevieve and Kellen Clair. She now works full time as an Environmental Scientist and part-time as NOM’s resident Jill of All Trades. Powered by espresso, cake, and craft beer, her happy place is on a beach or in the woods. Need to identify a plant, tree, or animal? Lindsay’s a wealth of random knowledge. She loves to cook and sprinkle a little glitter on everything.

4 COMMENTS

  1. Yes! This is me! I have no idea how or why people co-sleep because at my house “co-sleeping” looks like the aforementioned scenario and usually leads to Scary Mommy making an appearance. I have no interest in exploring the experience any further. My kids have their bed, I have mine. I’m not blurring the lines. Stay away, kids!

  2. Sorry cosleeping doesn’t work for you. It does for some families though! First time parents should try whatever works for them.

  3. My babe’s 9mo and we have coslept since the beginning. At this point, I wouldnt trade the experience for anything but I am wondering if this blissful situation will have an expiration date… and if so how soon. lol 🙂

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