I have decided that people who wax poetic about the joys of co-sleeping have magical unicorn children. Not a single child birthed from my womb cares to cooperate or knows how to behave in my bed. Even the 13-month-old twins think my bed is a kiddie fun house fit for jumping and avoiding sleep. We are not at Sector6, people. You make me tired. This is my bed. I want to sleep in it. The end.
I gave in to co-sleeping the other night and I’m not totally sure why. I think it was because I was having one of those proud mom days. After watching my four-year-old shave his head to raise money for the St. Baldrick’s Foundation, I was all, “aww, you were so sweet and generous and selfless today, I’ll do you a solid and bend the rules because you look super cute with your little buzz cut and gigantic eyeballs that look like Puss In Boots in that scene from Shrek.”
I was blindsided, I tell you.
Here are the things that went through my head as I tossed, turned, and inevitably regretted my decision.
WHY ARE YOU STILL AWAKE?
Did he brush his teeth? It doesn’t smell like it.
Cuddle? I do not think that word means what you think it means.
I feel like I’m being watched.
Nobody move. He’s like a T-Rex. He’ll think you’re asleep as long as he doesn’t sense movement.
Thank goodness he’s finally asleep. That makes everyone but me.
Why is there a heel in my back?
Who’s snoring? There are four options: dog, dog, boy, husband. Yep, all of them.
How do people do this? No, really. How?
My back hurts. I can’t use my heating pad because there’s a human one next to me and I might sweat to death. It’s frowned upon to lay on him, isn’t it?
OW. I think I’m bleeding. Note to self, cut the kid’s toenail razors tomorrow.
I didn’t really need more than this sliver of the bed anyway. Thanks for thinking I’m that skinny.
How can this child sleep on top of the covers?
I feel like I’m in a sleeping bag with no zipper.
How do people do this?
Oh good, the twins are awake.
So….When do I get to take a nap?
Kids, I love you. I do not love your feet in my face as I’m trying to sleep. Sharing a bed every night will never become a thing in our house. Here’s some money to cover the therapy for that.