Weird things happen when you are pregnant; sure, we all know that. We know that your body does bizarre, I mean beautiful things, while the little one is growing inside you. But, pregnancy totally messes with your head too. Yes, you have left the oven on a few times, put your keys in the fridge, and perhaps showed up at Target and couldn’t remember what you needed.
But, there is a strange correlation between pregnancy and morbidity for me.
No, I am not a closet serial killer. But I totally have dreams about death and have a constant fear that something is going to happen to my husband or me. Then, the dreams play out with one of us raising our children solo, or that our children are orphans. It sounds weird, but I had this with the first pregnancy and now again with the second. I know it goes away, but the aftermath is an increase in life insurance and a revision to our wills. At least I am prepared if the apocalypse of my dreams come true, right?
I have talked to my doctor about it, and she has reassured me that this is a common pregnancy symptom. She says it is about the subconscious playing out fears and insecurities, and your body and your life is changing. There is such a strong relationship between birth and death, and your mind is processing it. Yes, that sounds totally rational. In my professional, unlicensed medical option, I think it is my subconscious fearing that this pregnancy is not going to work out. It was such a struggle to get here that I still sometimes think that this can not really be happening and can’t possibly end well.
The irrational person in me has anxiety daily of something, anything happening.
We are talking from car accidents to when it was raining last week, I was worried about a loved one being struck by lightening. Yes, and when I go to the doctor and am in the parking garage, I have a fear of being abducted. You know those news headlines where pregnant women are abducted and killed for their unborn babies? Yup, that is where my mind goes. Doesn’t matter the situation, somehow I can develop a worst case scenario from it.
I really don’t mean to be the grim reaper. I just can’t control it. I know women have bizarre dreams during pregnancy, but I would rather dream about something along the lines of Mr. Kool-Aid showing up in the carpool line, or it raining lollipops and gumdrops. I would so rather wake up and laugh about some ridiculousness then wake up and convince myself that they latest scenario was just a dream.
But hey, only a few more weeks, and then I can move on from these crazy dreams, to the fears of delivery and SIDS. I think we would all agree that parenting is serious business and not for the meek. Your head, your heart, and your body are invested, and we all cope with it differently. Mine just happen to be a little morbid.