I didn’t realize how blessed I was with my first journey into motherhood. I shockingly became pregnant, had a pretty easy pregnancy and a textbook induction delivery. It was close to being perfect, and I just thought it would be the norm for me. My mother and sisters had no trouble getting pregnant and all had easy pregnancies, so I just thought I would totally fit in line. Little did I know what was in store for me.
Once my husband and I decided we would start trying for baby number 2, I assumed things would be just as easy getting pregnant the first time or even easier since we were actually trying. A few months went by and nothing happened. I became very discouraged and impatient. That is when my scary months of trying to get pregnant started. I think I read every website and message board regarding tips of ovulation, positions and even diet changes to increase the chances of getting pregnant.
If I wasn’t peeing on ovulation sticks, I was taking some herbal pills and charting my cycle. I felt like months and months went by and everyone around me was getting pregnant and even some by surprise. I was discouraged and just couldn’t understand why I wasn’t getting pregnant. And then…it happened! After 10 months of wishing, hoping and praying, I saw those beautiful 2 lines on a pregnancy test. I was pregnant!
I was so excited and completely over the moon. I remember driving to work and just grinning from ear to ear as my husband and I talked about our future. It was the happiest I had been in months. A new baby was on the way! I couldn’t contain my excitement. It was early December, and I decided that after my first appointment, we would share the news of our pregnancy on Christmas Eve with our family.
I remember being at a holiday event with my son Noah and I just didn’t feel right. My back really hurt and I was experiencing some cramping. I sadly noticed I was spotting and just kept on trying to reassure myself that everything was just fine because I have read that every pregnancy was different and all was well. Thankfully my doctors appointment was in just a few short days, and I just knew everything would be alright.
At the appointment, we did an ultrasound and I was just so excited to finally be able to see that little image on the screen to reassure myself that everything was ok. Sadly, things didn’t turn out the way I hoped it would. I was asked by the ultrasound tech and my doctor if I was as far along as I thought I was, and since I was being a crazy period tracker, I knew the dates were correct.
Unfortunately, it was discovered I was having an ectopic pregnancy. My whole world came crashing down. What was an ectopic pregnancy? What does this mean? How is this handled? I had a million questions regarding this and knew there was only one outcome: I wouldn’t be having my baby. I was sad, furious and couldn’t help but ask why was this happening to me. Over the Christmas holidays, I went through excruciating pain after I was given the treatment to end the ectopic pregnancy. I was heart broken in so many ways.
This experience has forever changed me. My subsequent pregnancies after this were full of fear and worry. This Christmas will make 3 years since this loss, and I still think about it every holiday season and the month that I would have been due. A loss is a horrible thing to endure, and I still wonder about what would have been of this experience if it would have resulted in a gorgeous baby. I’m so lucky to be a mother to 2 precious boys but I can’t help but wonder about the losses I’ve had.