Have you ever wondered how you can be a perfect mom? Do you find yourself stressed over every painstaking decision you have to make when it comes to childrearing? Fear not!
After 7 years of parenting on the Internet, I have found the simple steps to being a perfect mom, beginning with the moment you get pregnant. Follow these steps exactly, and you will be the best mom ever.
- Tell everyone right away
- Wait until you are at least 12 weeks
- Find out the gender during the anatomy scan
- Be surprised in the delivery room
- Throw an over the top gender reveal party
- Get a 3D ultrasound
- Avoid all ultrasounds
- Have a home birth
- Have a medicated hospital birth
- Have a drug free hospital birth
- Have a water birth
- Deliver at a birth center
- Circumcise
- Don’t circumcise
- Become a stay at home mom
- Work outside the home
- Work at home
- Breastfeed
- Formula feed
- Pump
- Cosleep
- Sleep train
- Have your daughter’s ears pierced
- Wait until your daughter asks to pierce her ears
- Use disposable diapers
- Use cloth diapers
- Get a wipe warmer
- Make your own wipes
- Babywear
- Use a stroller
- Rear face until your child is 14
- Bike everywhere…while babywearing
- Make baby food
- Buy baby food
- Skip baby food and opt for baby led weaning
- Grow your own baby food
- Stick to a schedule
- Go with the flow
- Use time outs
- Use gentle discipline
- Vaccinate
- Don’t vaccinate
- Selectively Vaccinate
- Feed only organic, whole foods
- Let them live off chicken nuggets for a year or two
- Be a bedtime Nazi
- Let them find their own sleep cycle
- Send them to private school
- Homeschool
- Send them to public school
- Helicopter parent
- Free range parent
- Avoid all screen time
- Play video games with them
- Enroll them in multiple extracurricular activities
- Don’t overschedule them
- Do big birthdays every year
- Invite only family for birthdays
- Keep your house immaculate
- Let the house get messy because babies don’t keep
- Make Pinterest worthy Valentine crafts for the class
- Opt out of the school’s secret Santa festivities
- Lean in
- Lean out
- Impart your religious beliefs
- Let them find their own path
- Get your pre-baby body back
- Don’t focus on your looks
- Rock a bikini
- Be modest
- Help them with school projects
- Let them figure it out on their own
- Dress your child in smocks
- Dress your child like a little adult
There you have it! By adhering to this list in its entirety, you will cover the spectrum on what constitutes a great mom. Remember though, there is no place for wiggle room. You must do all of the above or someone, somewhere will deem you a failure. Good luck, mama. You’ve got this!
