In my situation, breast was NOT always best!

April 19th, 2010. I can’t believe it was almost three years ago. That was the day I became a MOM. I remember hearing my sweet baby boy cry for the first time, laying eyes on him and immediately understood that old saying “love at first sight.” In an instant, he became my everything. There I was a new mom with a new baby, full of worry, doubt and fear. This little guy, so sweet and innocent, would depend on ME for all his needs.

I had prepared for the birth, went to classes on breastfeeding and decided early on I was going to breastfeed. After all, I worked for the Maternal and Child Health program, and how many times could I hear “breast is best?” I was aware of the numerous benefits of breastfeeding to both baby and mother. I even taught that breastfeeding reduced the risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) in my parenting education programs. Both of my sisters breastfed, and it just seemed so natural and easy. This was such an easy decision: no cleaning of bottles or nipples, no messy formula and a supportive hubby who’s favorite quote is “if it’s free, it’s for me!”

My decision was easily made, 100% breastfeeding…now if only my breasts got the memo! I never felt like my milk came in. Two days after being discharged from the hospital, we had our first pediatrician appointment. Of course, they checked his weight and he lost, which I was told was normal. My pediatrician, a little concerned, sent me to the lactation specialist where they weighed Cooper before and after a feeding to measure how many ounces he was getting on each side. Cooper breastfed on both sides, and after weighing him, the lactation nurse determined he only got about one ounce between the two. My pediatrician suggested we supplement in addition to breastfeeding after every feeding. As she told us this, the tears began to roll down my face. I felt like such a failure as a mother. How could this be? Both my sisters breastfed with no problems. In fact they were like dairy cows, and here I can’t even squeeze more than about an ounce from both breasts to feed my baby. I am his mother, and I am supposed to be able to provide for him to meet his needs.

The lactation nurse gave me a protocol to follow to increase my milk supply. Breastfeed, supplement with formula and then pump for 15-20 minutes on each side. Thank goodness for double breast pumps! We have all heard that old saying that everyone tells a new mother, “sleep when your baby sleeps.” By the time I finished my feeding ritual, it was time for Cooper to eat again, and I was purely exhausted. The lactation nurse also suggested taking two supplements to help increase my milk supply, goat’s rue and fenugreek, AKA make your body smell like maple syrup. I also drank that NOT so delicious mother’s milk tea and was eating oatmeal, raspberries and the occasional beer with no noticeable increase in supply.

I kept this craziness up for 12 weeks and after much stress and many tears, finally called it quits and threw in the towel. In other words, I PACKED UP THE BREAST PUMP. I decided to strictly formula feed Cooper. The stress and anxiety of dealing with breastfeeding, bottles, pumping and cost of the supplements with no change in supply was just not worth it anymore. I was losing my sanity, and I wasn’t being the best mother I could be to Cooper, always agonizing over this breastfeeding dilemma. Plus, the very next week, I found out I was pregnant again! My husband knows how hard it was for me to make the decision to quit, and he always reminds me that Cooper got the colostrum, which is supposed to be one of the most important parts of breastfeeding.

Moving right along. Camille was born, exactly 12 months and 5 days after her big brother. Decision time again: breastfeed or formula feed? I figured let me give this another shot. Second time around, my breasts may be different, and I might end up being just like my dairy cow sisters this time! I would never know unless I tried, and I didn’t want to regret not attempting if the outcome could be different this time. 

I know this might sound a bit redundant, but here goes. At Camille’s first pediatrician appointment, she lost weight, go figure! Knowing the breastfeeding difficulties I faced last time, my pediatrician sent me to the lactation consultant. You probably can guess what happened next? The nurse weighed Camille before and after feeding, and we got the same results. Not enough milk. Pediatrician suggested supplementing with formula after breastfeeding. This is déjà vu! Me, already going through this once, thinking I am stronger and this won’t upset me as much sat there with a sickness in my stomach and the feel of tears rolling down my face. I am completely devastated and feel like a failure!

My pediatrician, seeing the frustration and knowing how badly I wanted to succeed with breastfeeding the last time, made a suggestion for me to research the prescription medication, Domperidone. This medication is used to treat gastrointestinal (digestive problems), and studies have shown it increased breast milk as a side effect. Considering all the things I tried last time with no success, I wanted to give this a shot. My husband, supportive as always, just wanted me to be happy. My OB/GYN sent the prescription to a compounding pharmacy, and I started taking it the next day. It was not cheap, but I wanted to see if it worked. My pediatrician wanted me to continue to supplement with formula until I could get an appointment with the lactation consultant again. Unfortunately, increased breast milk was not a side effect for me. I had no change in amount of milk supply. Determined not to give up, I continued to take the prescription for 6 weeks. After no increase and having to continually be interrupted while breastfeeding with a climbing and active 1 year old, I decided to strictly formula feed again when Camille was just 7 weeks old.

It just goes to show you, no matter how much research, planning or preparation is involved, sometimes the things we desire are out of our control. A good mother is not defined by natural births, breastfeeding or homemade baby food. A good mother is one that loves and meets the needs of her children. I had to step back and realize my desire to breastfeed was controlling me, and as a result, I was NOT meeting the needs of my child because I could not provide the sustenance to keep them satisfied or healthy. I felt like a failure and was worried what my family, friends and coworkers would think if they found out I wasn’t breastfeeding. I think often times we worry too much about what society thinks and not enough about what is BEST for us or our family. It is important to remember, none of us are the same. What comes easy to some may be difficult for others. If you were able to breastfeed, I congratulate you and am honestly a little jealous, but please don’t judge those of us that didn’t or couldn’t because you may not realize how sensitive or devastating this situation may be for me and my fellow non milk producing mommies!

I think one of the most important roles of a mother is to be supportive of other mommies. Can any of you relate to having a low milk supply? How do you think you can you be supportive of fellow mommies with similar situations?

Feeding Journeys

 

22 COMMENTS

  1. Thank you so much for writing this. I had the exact same situation with my daughters. When I went to the lactation appointment, my poor babies were only getting half an ounce. It’s sobering to realize that for whatever reason, despite all your efforts, the milk is just not happening. I still get a little bummed when I see my friends just start nursing when we’re out, and I’m mixing powder and water. I’m glad your husband said that about colostrum. He’s a good husband! It’s really strange but I made a lot of colostrum so much so that the girls gained weight in the hospital, but then no leche.

    Anyway, thanks for posting. I don’t think women who can nurse so easily get how hard it is for women who can’t.

    • Melanie, your welcome and thank you for sharing your experience as well. It is good therapy to hear from other mom’s that faced similar situations and challenges. It really was a sensitive subject for me and I still get emotional about it today, but both of us need to remember we did all that we could. In the end, it just wasn’t meant to be for us to breastfeed but we are still awesome moms! 🙂

  2. Janie – you definitely tried everything! I am in awe of mothers who add in pumping to increase supply. We all know how very hard the early weeks are, so that is a real accomplishment and sacrifice. Thank you for sharing this reminder that it is possible to try all the typical tactics and even the medical ones and not be able to increase supply!

    • Thanks Courtney, I love how encouraging and supportive everyone has been. As moms we can all relate to each other even though we may not have been through the exact same situation. Motherhood isn’t easy, but it is definitely rewarding and having a support system of other moms is great to go through this journey!

    • Thank you Jill for reading and sharing your similar experience. Even though the topic is still sensitive it is definitely comforting finding others that can relate.

  3. Janie – you know my struggles with my boys and breastfeeding. It was the most devastating thing to not produce enough milk! Went through the same “protocol” with the supplements and prescriptions with NO success.
    Not to mention that our hormones are crazy after birth, we are EXHAUSTED, but to add the feeling of failure on top of everything does not make for sane mommy. It put me into deep postpartum, but why?? Society has labeled breastfeeding as the BEST thing for our children. I agree that a baby should get a mothers “first milk” (colostrum), but isn’t it BEST our children thrive and survive? It’s not all society’s fault. The lactation specialist that I dealt with where very judgmental (for lack of a better word). They should be supportive no matter what the outcome is, but that was not my experience. One lactation specialist went as far as to tell me (the mom) NO when I asked to give my second son a bottle. This was after we were admitted back to the hospital because he was dehydrated!! Thankfully, I knew what was BEST for my son at that point and demanded a formula bottle for my starving 3 day old.
    This was a great blog! More new moms need to read and hear stories like these.

  4. Good for you for trying, Janie, and good for you for doing what was best for your family!! I think a BIG thing we moms and women need to learn is NOT to judge others for not doing the same things we do! Thank you for your wonderful post.

  5. This is almost exactly my story except my daughter landed in PICU for dehydration. It was the darkest time of my life. I have never felt like such a failure, and everyone continued to push breast feeding on me. One night my husband came in and found me crying holding a pump full of blood and no milk, and he said “This is over now.” He packed up the breast pumping supplies and I got some SLEEP. The “breast is best” culture is great, but not when it leaves moms feeling like failures.

    • Thank you Jen for sharing a little piece of your story with me. It means so much to know I’m not the only one who faced troubles when it comes to breastfeeding. Your husband sounds similar to mine and you and I both did all we could do to make it work, and for whatever reason, it just wasn’t in the cards for us to breastfeed.

  6. Thank you for writing this. I had chosen to bottle feed with both of my child. I have slways been very supportive of mothers breast-feeding when ever they had to. But in return I when asked how did my children due at breast-feeding and I would reply “I bottle fed”, I would get dirty looks and nasty comments. As someone who never wants to be judgmental on another mother I have always wanted it in return. I hope this opens others eyes to how to support each other with love and kindnesses.

    • Katie, you are so sweet. I agree with you, as mothers we should learn to be supportive of one another and not judgmental. Everybody is different and we all need to do what is right/best for our family.

  7. I just want to hug you! Thank you, thank you. I had similar experiences with my kids that you had. I was killing myself to try to breast feed my babies all because society was shoving it’s opinion upon me and making me feel like less of a mother if I didn’t nurse. Ultimately, exactly what you said became my realization and truth. The specifics of the birth or the feeding is unimportant, it’s how you love and nurture your child. Thanks for trying to educate those that insist on pushing their opinions on others as truths.

    • Karen, I’m so glad you could relate. I was scared to death to write this post and feared what my family/friends would think when they read. Last year when it ran, I don’t think I even shared it on my fb page, but I definitely did share it a few days ago in hopes that it would help one mother not feel guilty about any similar issues she experienced. Thanks for sharing with me, it helps to know you aren’t alone!

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