I guess that part of giving birth is to make it to the hospital BEFORE the birth, right?
Being due in two weeks, I decided to map out the best way to reach the maternity where I’ll give birth – at the intersection of Claiborne and Napoleon. Driving from my home in Lakeview, my best pal Google told me that “without traffic,” it would take me 17 minutes. If you have tried to reach the maternity ward during labor (as it was the case for my first one), you know. It hurts. A lot. 17 minutes of excruciating waves of pain rocking your body are not easily forgotten.
So, Google friend. 17 minutes “without traffic” should not be so bad, right? Because really, traffic is all what can slow down a lady in labor on her way to the hospital?
Yeah right. Come to NOLA. I’ll be lucky if I don’t run into …
A parade. If you’re not from here, you’re thinking “Mardi Gras is in February. Chill out.” 
Yeah my friend. We have parades for everything. The Saints won? Saint Patrick’s Day? Halloween? Easter? You name it. Welcome to the land of the beads.
A Saints game. Dear God, please refrain whoever is driving me from driving down Poydras on game night.
Potholes. Seriously guys, I live in Lakeview. The holes are craters.
Construction to fix the potholes.
Construction to fix something else. For one minute traveled, get one extra for free.
A race. Crescent City Classic, Rock’n’Roll marathon, Mardi Gras marathon, Red Dress Run … This town is running all over the place. That’s exhausting, if you ask me.
A festival. To celebrate music. Or art. Or my favorite, food (Hello, oysters! Or creole tomatoes!)
A broken down streetcar … Because they always break down at intersections with cars, right?
Or a moving train. Stuck with cars in front of and behind you. The never-ending convoy of … What they heck do these trains even carry which can take SO long?
A movie set. More likely if you’re taking the road least traveled. Good luck to you.
A second line. For a funeral, a wedding, a birthday, etc. That means lots of people walking while I am trying to create life here.
And a crime scene. Okay, not fun, but unfortunately highly possible.
So buddy Google, 17 minutes “without traffic?” Hahahahahahahaha. I’m just going to leave now.
