Growing up whenever I was asked how many children I wanted, I would say “3” without even thinking about it. To me, 3 was my magic number. No real rhyme or reason I guess, but even before I had children, it was what I felt would be ideal.
Well, now here I am with 2, and I’m tossing around the idea of a 3rd child. And I can’t keep on thinking that I must be insanely crazy to even consider it. Besides having my hands totally full with 2, I’ve gone through multiple roller coasters on my motherhood journey. From having trouble TTC #2, multiple miscarriages, 2 rounds of bed rest and having my youngest son over 12 weeks early resulting in a 101 day NICU stay…you would think I would totally have closed the door on the dream of three kids and be happy with the blessings that I do have.
While I am more than grateful for my 2 incredibly adorable and feisty boys, there is still a longing to have another child. Is it a chance to “redo” my 2nd pregnancy over since it was cut entirely too short? Is it that I’m longing to have a daughter? Or am I chasing an idealistic dream since my childhood where I felt like having 3 children was my ultimate dream?
Part of me just wants to stop while I’m ahead. I get worried about rolling the dice again and seeing what type of journey I will be on. Will it be months of trying to get pregnant followed by a miscarriage? Or what If I’m lucky enough to get pregnant without any problems but wind up on bed rest and have an early delivery? I find that my role as a mother is to also take care of my children, and I feel that if I do end up on bed rest or have a NICU stay ahead…am I taking away time from them when they need me? Trying to divide my time was hard enough with only 2 kids, how could I do it with 3?
On the other hand, I think of the relatively easy journey I had with my first son. We weren’t even trying to get pregnant, and I had a pretty uneventful pregnancy (with a few weeks of bed rest) that ended up with a picture perfect newborn. What if the dice rolls in that direction? And even though my second pregnancy was cut drastically short, I would do it all over again because Liam is worth it a million times over.
As far as what my husband thinks, he is just as conflicted as I am. We have jointly agreed that once our family is complete, we would opt for a more permanent choice of birth control. With that being said, my husband isn’t calling the urologist to set up an appointment just yet. Maybe if one of us was convinced one way or another we would have an easier time deciding which direction we would go in.
So what to do? Do I take a chance and roll the dice? Or close this chapter of my life? I guess only time will tell.