Dear Me,
I see you at the end of baby boy’s first year in a great place with nursing. You surmounted all the early obstacles, you’re way past that feeling of only being a boob, and it’s a bonding experience for you both. Yet, all of a sudden, with the approach of the one year mark, a hint of anxiety is sneaking in. Why, might I ask, if everything is going great, would you be starting to worry?
You probably know that, statistically, your nursing mother comrades are becoming less. You are aware that while nursing until the first birth date is celebrated, nursing past it can be taboo depending on your company. I know you know the World Health Organization recommends nursing for at least the first two years, and the American Academy of Pediatrics says to nurse at least for one year and then as long thereafter as mutually desired. You know that research shows the benefits of breast milk in the toddler years. You know logically that just because he’s old enough to tolerate cow’s milk doesn’t change the fact that the milk of the mother is still ideal. I know your husband is fully supportive of you. So, what’s the issue?
Maybe it’s that you are new at this mothering thing, and you question all of your choices to some degree. Maybe as confident as you might outwardly appear, you care more than you admit about what other people think.
So you buy some books and start educating yourself more. You know you’ll continue to nurse because you know it’s what both you and your child want. That it’s the obvious right choice for this mom/baby duo.
On your child’s first birthday, you do feel like you are crossing some invisible line. Was it really socially acceptable to nurse this child yesterday, but not today or tomorrow? But two things you do know: first, now that you have a one year old, you know that a one year old is still a baby. Second, since your baby still regularly nurses five times a day, you want to wait until he seems less interested to make any changes.
For the first few months of the second year, you are pretty confident sharing that you are still nursing. But then you become a little less so. You do drop the middle of the night feeding, and so now you loosely say that you are weaning since that makes it seem like you have the intention to be done at some point. You let the audience think that means soon, but I can see you are settling in for a more gradual pace.
When you are nursing, everything is positive. When you are analyzing nursing or talking with someone who is less supportive, the doubt creeps in. If I could give you hindsight, I would. Then you’d know that you are wasting time caring what other people think. You know what’s best for you and your baby. Nursing is natural; breast milk is awesome; history and biology are on your side. Just own it!
At about 18 months, your little one has naturally dropped one daytime feeding because he’s so busy exploring the world. You are feeling tired of being tied to the nighttime routine, so you decide to drop the before bed feeding. You wonder how this will go. Will he be upset? Dad steps in to handle bedtime for a few days, and when you put him down at the end of the week, you don’t offer, and he doesn’t ask.
This leaves two feedings: the early morning and the late afternoon. You both could probably go on like this for a long time, but you have it in your head that you will be leaving all traces of social acceptableness behind at the 2nd birthday mark. You fear that even those in your circle who nursed, and who are generally supportive, will stop being so. So you drop the afternoon feeding around 21 months. Again, the little one doesn’t seem to mind.
Now you are pregnant, and since you are only nursing once a day, it’s less comfortable, and you feel like it’s the right time. But you feel sad. You love this child, and you have loved nursing. He’s nearing the 2 year mark, and you see his babyness fading away. But when he’s nursing, he is that baby he’s always been. You worry he’ll feel rejected. You have the last nursing session…about five times because when you say no, he looks anxious and like he’s going to cry. But now the nursing isn’t every day, and he’s starting to seem less attached. There is the last time that really is the last time. And he’s fine. And you are fine too.
You nursed until he was 23 months to the day. Now that you have successfully weaned him you realize the confidence comes after the fact. You think nothing of saying that you nursed a toddler. So why did the confidence only come after you weaned? While you were nursing him, you were right there seeing over and over how normal and natural and right it was for the two of you. Wouldn’t it be logical to have been confident then? Maybe it’s just easier to say you did something in the past versus saying you are doing it right now. Maybe you were nervous of judgement of never weaning the child, but once you’ve done it, you feel that everyone will be happy.
Well former self, please talk to your future self. When your little girl turns one this summer, will you remember all you’ve learned? Will you be an example to your family, friends, and community to show that nursing is the most normal thing on the planet and that that doesn’t end when the calendar strikes one?
If you are more confident and open, maybe it will help other, newer mothers feel more confident in their choices too.
Sincerely,
Self
I breastfed my three year old until he was 18 months. Our weaning was pretty quick. My son was the one that actually weaned himself of everything: breast, pacifier, potty training. I waited for his cues and I just accepted them, really. I answered proudly when ppl asked if he was still nursing. I would’ve gone on longer than 18 months but he was ready and I’m not a force-it kinda mom. I have to say though, with the next one (whenever that will be), I will be less self conscious when nursing in public. I would always either cover up or sit on a public toilet do as to not offend anyone. After reading many posts, there is no reason to feel that me feeding my child in the most normal form and fashion should offend anyone. Who cares?? If they have a problem with it, that’s just it, their problem…not mine. My husband is from honduras, and he would tell me all the time to just feed…where he is from no one thinks twice when a woman suddenly pops out a breast to feed her baby. It’s normal. It’s natural. It’s wonderful!
Ps sorry of my post makes no sense lol. I’m exhausted! Lol
I breastfed my daughter until she was almost 3. I never thought she was too old or that it was too long. She weaned naturally with no struggles. She is never sick & has such a strong immune system, which I credit to the duration of nursing. I am a huge supporter of breastfeeding & think that it is so important to try to do it as long as possible. I know several people who were unable to nurse, so I understand that some women just can’t make it work & I support that too. What I find unfortunate is the fact that it is seen as taboo or unnatural by society & that’s such a shame. It is the most natural thing & women should never feel embarrassed by it.
I love this post!!! I’m not at a year yet, but since we went past our original 6 month goal and changed it to 12 months, I’m planning to let my baby girl lead the way from there. It helps to read how others slowly weaned. I’m hoping my LO will give me the cues to tell me when she’s ready to wean. I’ve been able to keep up my end even while pumping at work, so I figure it’ll be up to her. π
My mom nursed me until I was two, and I’m super smart! π Keep up the good work!
It is so brave of you to post about this subject, especially in LA. It is so disappointing to see the lack of breastfeeding support here. I went through very similar feelings up until weaning my then 22 month old. It’s funny how they look so much like a toddler running around but then just like your baby again when nursing. I luckily found an AP group here that made me feel so much more confident in my choices in parenting and not as much of an outsider. I hope to lose the thoughts you described the second time around.
Thanks for all the comments! I’m the local La Leche League leader now so probably come off as being super confident about breastfeeding these days, but this post captures my honest feelings during the time between my first’s 1st and 2nd birthday. I have a lot more self confidence as a mother now and have been lucky to learn so much about the benefits of breastfeeding! Veteran nursing moms and new moms too, check out the local LLL group’s facebook page and come to a meeting! We get a lot of mothers in their first month so it’s really nice to have more “veteran” moms there sharing experiences.
https://www.facebook.com/LaLecheLeagueOfNewOrleans
Thank you for sharing this post Courtney! It’s very encouraging and inspiring. I breastfed my toddler until he was around 3 and I slowly introduced him to a cup of cow’s milk. I’m glad I didn’t have any troubles at all. Thanks for sharing this post! You’ll be able to help a lot of moms out there. π
Thank you, Courtney! Amazing article, amazing MOMMY. You are AWESOME.
my first i did 18 months with the second 12 months (they are 16 months apart to the day) SO I nursed both of them(at the same time) for 2 months!! the last one 12 months.
You do what works for you and your babies!!
That is such a sweet sharing. Thanks for posting. π
-From a fellow Leader up in the north part of the state.