Several weeks ago, I suffered my first miscarriage.
I was 5 weeks and one day pregnant. It was devastating and heartbreaking and although I am writing this post, it is immensely difficult to articulate my thoughts. But these are my feelings and this is my journey. Below is a letter I wrote to my baby during the miscarriage. Once I knew in my heart what was happening, I grabbed a pen and started writing. Writing is my therapy.
Dear my sweet baby,
I had to write this letter to you when all the emotions were still fresh, while they were still raw. I have written letters to your brothers when I found out I was pregnant with them. My heart breaks that you will never get to read this letter. You are slipping away from me faster than I imagined.
I have only known about you for eight days but oh, how I love you. I loved you as soon as I saw that extra blue line on that piece of plastic. You were my miracle. After explaining your conception story to my doctor, she described you as “meant to be.” That is exactly how I pictured you and what you are to me. In eight days, I dreamed of what you would bring to our family. This baby, who was meant to be mine…who defied the statistical odds. I thought, what a wonderful statistic to be a part of. Now, what I wouldn’t give to not be lumped into the group of heartbroken mothers I now find myself in. In just eight days I imagined the excitement, joy and love you would add to our family. As you know, I already have two beautiful baby boys who have brought me more happiness and enriched my life forever. I knew that in a matter of time, eight more months precisely, you would do the same; how overjoyed I was.
I know eight days seems like nothing at all, but in that time I thought of you every waking moment. I even dreamed of you. What would you look like? Would you jump right in and play with your big brothers, or would they be your protectors? Would you be another boy to steal my heart or would you be that daughter I have dreamed of? Would you make it to your due date and share a birthday with daddy? I’ll never know the answers.
I am so sorry I will never get to hold you. I will never get to hear your heartbeat. I will never get to kiss your sweet face. I will never get to smell your baby’s breath. I will never get to nurse you. I am sorry you will never get to play with your big brothers, and I am sorry they will never get to play with you. I am sorry you will never get to hear your daddy read a Dr. Seuss book. I am sorry my body failed you and that I could not protect you.
My sweet sweet baby, I want you know that for those eight days and for the rest of my life, I love you. I am thankful for the one week I got to hold you inside of my body. Even if it will never be enough. I love you, always and forever.
This was so beautifully written, I cried imagining what this must be like for you. I love how honest and brave you are.
Thank you Angelina.
Amanda, this was beautifully shared. Any mother knows how special even an hour as a mother is. As horrible as miscarriage is for a woman, the flip side is that you got to be the one to hold that baby/angel inside and nothing can take that experience away. Prayers for your continued healing.
Thank you Courtney. I am thankful for our time together even if it was too short.
Amanda, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my first pregnancy about a week after I got my BFP and I remember clearly how horrible that experience was for me. Write, write, write and talk, talk, talk. I found it helped me most to talk about it with moms who had also suffered a loss and making it public because it is nothing to be ashamed of. I agree with Ashley above. Your body didn’t fail you or your baby. This was the work of forces out of our control. I pray that you’ll find comfort with the hugs and laughter of your sweet boys. They’ll have someone looking out for them now and YOU have them that. Hugs, mama.
Thank you Stephanie for your supportive words. My boys definitely help my healing. 🙂
Oh Amanda, this was so beautiful and so heartbreaking all at once. I can’t imagine how many women you have given a voice to. What a wonderful and selfless thing to share your story. I will continue to pray for you and your family. I hope that in time you will find comfort in knowing that your sweet baby felt the love and tenderness you shared in your letter everyday that Baby spent with you.
Thank you Jennifer!
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you Leenie.
OMG, this is me. Same length of pregnancy, same number/gender of preceding children, same feelings, same circumstance. Thank you.
Darneshia, I am so sorry for your loss. Prayers and hugs to you.
I had a miscarriage (my first pregnancy) as well due to not enough progesterone in my body. I never thought my whole life I could even get pregnant after I had my Chron’s Disease surgery, and now that I know its possible I want it that much more. I have been terrified to get pregnant again though but even though we have been trying. I just pray if I ever do get pregnant again (so far its been two years and no luck) that my baby will be okay this time around. I pray if that ever happens to you, your baby will be healthy as well. Thank you for your story it has really helped me.
Amy I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my prayers.
As I lie here in bed reading your letter, I can feel the breath of my rainbow baby, Eli, against my neck and his fingers ever so softly touching my hair. How strange it is to feel so sad and happy at the same time. Sad because I will never get to touch my first baby but happy because I have been blessed with two more children I am able to kiss and laugh with everyday. I have always been a true believer in the saying everything happens for a reason. When I lost my first baby I came to almost despise those very words. Why would something so awful happen to my family, I could not imagine one reason for this grief. We prayed and as time passed so did my anger. The only thing I can say to ease to pain is to pray, cry, talk, yell …God is listening. And although we may never comprehend why, everything does happen for a reason. You will forever be in my thoughts and prayers.
Marrissa, thank you for your kind and supportive words. I am sorry for your loss as well.
Thank you for your sweet letter. I lay hear in the wake if my own personal loss. These past 24 hours have been the hardest of my life, my husband and I struggled with infertility fir 11 years. And for those 7 days I had my baby in me, it was the greatest miracle imaginable. Now I’m left empty amd broken. Thank you for sharing exactly how I’m feeling right now.
Oh Bobbi. I am so sorry. You are in my prayers.
Amanda, I first want to say, I am so very sorry for your loss. I, myself have had a miscarriage. Its been over a year since then. I still grieve every single day. But it does get easier as time goes on. I have written many many of these letters, just like the one you so bravely shared with us. This group of people, the group who suffered from child loss is very supportive. Prayers to you dear. Hope you hug those boys tight. You will forever have an angel watching over you.
Thank you for your kind words Teresa. I am sorry for your loss as well. I have found comfort in the knowledge that I am not alone although I wish no woman would ever have to experience this.