Losing Myself to Motherhood

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I wake up looking at myself for a split second before my kids need me again. As I glance at myself in the mirror, I tend to think about the past. The past of when I had all the time in the world to wake up, brush my teeth fix my hair and do my makeup. And now I’m lucky enough if I can even brush my hair before the day starts. Not only that but I look soooooo tired even when I’m not!

I could have slept sooo well and I still wake up look at my self and am thinking “man I need more sleep!” I’m never put together … at least not on our normal days! I like big T-shirt’s and loose shorts or sweatpants, not because I am ashamed of my mom body but just because it is comfortable and I just want to be comfortable while doing 50 million things during the day. My day normally consists of wake up, feed kids, sneak off to brush my teeth and get dressed. Once kids are done breakfast, it’s time to get them dressed and let them play while I pick up kitchen! Once that is done, then it is time to load up and bring my oldest off to school. Once he is at school, my youngest and I go back home. Around this time, my youngest wants a snack, so I fix him a snack then start laundry, pick up the house, make the beds. Don’t forget to include a space in between each of those chores for nursing my youngest. (Side note: I am still nursing my 1 year old and my 3 year old.)

I literally have given them all of me! Once my house is picked up, I usually get lunch going. After lunch it’s nursing and nap time (aka settle down time). I normally hold my youngest while he naps at home so I get to sit and settle down for a little while. Once he wakes, it’s snack time again while I get dinner going or some errands done before it’s time to go pick up my oldest. Once I pick him up, it’s back to the house and snack time once again then some play time outside before dinner. Dinner is ready!!! After dinner is finished, I pick up the kitchen plates and cups and get the kids in the tub. They usually like to play before bed so they will play a little while! And finally BEDTIME!! For bedtime, my boys and I will go lay in bed and they nurse while they fall asleep. By this point, I’m drained and fall asleep with them. WOW WHAT A DAY! Just reading over this makes me tired!!

I have no time for me. My wants and needs don’t exist any more. Worrying about how I look before I walk out the door is gone. My binge watching shows have turned into Disney movies on repeat. Sometimes I think to myself “am I good at anything any more, other than being a mom? Could I go back work and have a job after being a stay at home mom over the years? Is losing yourself to motherhood normal? Does every mom feel this way?”

YOU KNOW WHAT … it’s all worth it. All of it! I would give up all of it to have two little babies look up at me and call me THEIR mom! I know these long hard moments won’t last forever!! But the short sweet ones will fly by! So I’m all in. Call it my badge of motherhood if you must. But at the end of the day, it is all worth it to me.

I’m not saying it is easy but it’s definitely worth it.

2 COMMENTS

  1. Gabriella,
    Spot on! Such a beautiful snapshot of motherhood. I appreciate your honesty and admire your strength and selflessness. God bless you and your family.

    Hugs,
    Jill Slipher

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