Feeling Mixed Emotions As I Say Good Bye To Child Bearing

I’m scared. That’s all I can think as I sit across from my doctor’s desk. She is describing exactly what she will be doing as she performs the ablation and tubal ligation (in mom terms – tubes tied). I’m scared because of those normal reasons: being put to sleep, having someone tinker with your insides, and of course, just the sheer word of “surgery.”

But, that’s not the reason my stomach is in a knot and my anxiety level is through the roof.

It’s what those two procedures represent that have me upset.

No more children.

say goodbye to child bearingEven as I type this, my stomach starts to turn. I stare at the picture on my desk of my two beautiful children and wonder, am I doing the right thing? You see, in the big scheme of things, I truly know that I am making the right decision. I have always said I wanted two children. My husband has always said he wanted two children. As a little girl, I always imagined being a mommy with my two children. And frankly, at the age of 39, I can’t imagine having another child right now, much less being able to keep up with three kids. I have two beautiful daughters that are loved and cherished everyday. I am content. I know that I am done.

So, why does all this have me this upset?

Why? Because it’s permanent. Because it means that this stage of life is finished. It means that the first half of my life and the exciting events that I dreamed about as a child are done. It means that no matter how much I say I don’t want any more children, the thought of holding a sweet little infant in my arms still makes me smile. It means that no matter how much I don’t miss changing diapers, the idea that I will never have someone be that dependent on me again is over. It simply means that maybe I’m not really scared. I’m sad.IMG_3013

Our identities as women are so precious. We are the only ones that have this privilege – this privilege of bringing another human being into the world. For me to remove that privilege seems so foreign, yet I know it’s what I need to do. I have to take care of myself and ensure I remain as healthy as possible. I have to do this because I do have two beautiful children that need and deserve their mommy to be in good health.

So I’ve come to the realization that my special role as a woman may not include bearing children anymore, but it will still include the one thing that being a woman allowed me to be in the first place – a mom. I will still be able to provide warm hugs the way only a mother can do. I will still give special kisses on scrapes and bruises. I will still read storybooks to my kids as they fall asleep in my lap. I will be no less of a woman tomorrow than I am right now

Have you had your tubes tied? How did you get through the mixed emotions associated with such a permanent decision?

Lindsay
Lindsay is a native New Orleanian, displaced only by her years at Mississippi State, where she earned a B.S. in Wildlife and Fisheries and a minor in English. She came home shortly after Katrina, to work as a zookeeper and be a part of the rebuilding of her beloved city. She dragged her husband Drake, a Tennessee native, along with her. Their son Bennett joined the family in 2010, and in 2014 they welcomed identical twin girls, Genevieve and Kellen Clair. She now works full time as an Environmental Scientist and part-time as NOM’s resident Jill of All Trades. Powered by espresso, cake, and craft beer, her happy place is on a beach or in the woods. Need to identify a plant, tree, or animal? Lindsay’s a wealth of random knowledge. She loves to cook and sprinkle a little glitter on everything.

8 COMMENTS

  1. Oh Wendy. I am with you. In my house it’s my husband who’s having the permanent “fix,” but it’s so sad how quickly a stage of your life is done. Just like that. It feels like just yesterday that I was anticipating the birth of my first and now? No more babies. It’s terrifying and sad all at once. Hugs!!

    • Same here, Ashley. I certainly do not want anymore children, but I am sad that such a huge chapter in my life is over- it came and went in less than 5 years. You really captured my emotions, Wendy.

  2. Wow Wendy, last night I went to bed crying with mixed emotions as I talked with Greg if we would have another baby. At 35 years old, I feel like it is now or never. Thanks for sharing and wonderfully written!

  3. My husband had a vasectomy after our first because one was the right number for us. No regrets, no looking back. There are other ways to “give birth” other than to human life – now it is time to watch the child(ren) you have go through more stages and you can grow with them, too.

  4. You captured my feelings exactly. Right after my c-section for my 3rd son, I had my tubes tied. All during my pregnancy (I gave birth to him at 36 years old), I was adamant that I was done – he was somewhat of a surprise (though I wouldn’t change it for the world!). Once my tubes were tied it was so PERMANENT! I didn’t necessarily change my mind about wanting another child, but once it wasn’t an option anymore, I really had a difficult time with it! Even now 2 years later, I just try not to dwell on it and just be happy with the beautiful children I have.

  5. This article makes me sad because I don’t want to do this procedure or have my husband do a vasectomy. What’s the worst is when you want to have one but your husband is totally against it because he feels he’s ‘too old’ and me being in my 30s is too old to have another child. He wants the procedure but I want to have one more child. It makes me so heartbroken.

  6. Thank you so much for posting this… I am going through probably the hardest time of my life right now…I am 34 years old and I have 3 beautiful children two from my first marriage boy and a girl and one beautiful baby boy that’s only one year old… we found out we were pregnant with our four and were in shock since it was a surprise and we were apparently done having babies but I never end up getting my tubes tied and we got pregnant… I had mixed emotions at the begging but honestly I was soooooo exited to have my little and so my husband and I started to make plans and imagine all of our kids together and how much fun it would be… very early in my pregnancy we found out the baby was facing some challenges also we found out we were having a baby boy! and we had a lot of tests done but we were still very hopeful that God would fix everything and he would be fine… well unfortunately that’s not the case and it’s more likely that I will hold my son after birth to see him take his last breath… I am 27 weeks pregnant and instead of planning to bring my beautiful baby boy home we are trying to prepare ourselves to see him go to heaven… I can’t even explain the pain I am feeling… He has so many things wrong in his tiny body the doctors don’t want to give us false hope… the truth is that I was done having babies after I had my last son but when we found out we were pregnant with baby Adrian a new world open up to us and I just felt so right and I couldn’t wait to hold all my babies and love them all forever… now that won’t happen… and even though I already didn’t want anymore kids I was really happy to receive my precious little boy into this world and our lives… I don’t know what to do anymore… it’s really scary to feel this is it… and to have this be my last time being pregnant and not being able to bring home my sweet little baby boy…

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